Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.

[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]

Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.

Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.

Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]

*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this

Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…

Beaver 2: dam

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

My 1st grader is home sick today and this morning I caught him trying to cough directly onto his older brother.

I asked why he did that and he said it’s because he loves him and thinks he deserves a day off of school too.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.

Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.

Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!