Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.

Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.

I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

[heist]

Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe

Thief: well?

Me: omg…

[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET

I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.

My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

My humor is broken

“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.

“I’ve said too much already.“

“All you did was blink.”

“Yeah, but twice.”

lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-

millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in

ghost: *appearing* prepare to die

millennial: omg even better

What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

*Sees couple arguing in store*

*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*