One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You Might Also Like
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.