One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
You Might Also Like
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science