One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“Do you have a flavor?”
La Croix: “I have the concept of a flavor.”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.