One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Lucky for them, they’re cute
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
life finds a way
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?