One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
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You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras