One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party
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Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
iPhone X
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.