“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking. I meant thinking. I need to drink more.
Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…
But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Horror movies have ruined the joy of skinnydipping for me 🙁
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.