“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
i was baptized in a car wash
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough