“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
eating plastic bags is awesome. i don’t know why everybody is getting mad at me for doing it
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
How to lose a drone in 10 minutes
-a memoir by my husband and 7yo
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.