“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
This is always good for a laugh.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
*swipes right on my hand mirror
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.