“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
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When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
😂🐈⬛
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
good work, detective
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
found this cool rock hiking today
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die