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IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Boy never ceases to amaze me
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
aura
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool