One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian