One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
If you’re not feeling the love from your kids, schedule a night out. As soon as you tell them a babysitter is coming they’ll suddenly remember they can’t live without you
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
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ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
My plans: 2020:
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
I falcon love using swear birds
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.