One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
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cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting