Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Buck naked

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too

If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

[Casio headquarters, 1975]

CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.

First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?

Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.

Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.

Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!

Me:

Dog:

Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?

Dog: Not really, no.

Relax, this is my emotional support knife.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular

If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.

Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…

My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in