Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.

Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

Me My dog

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings

Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf

[Therapy]

Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?

Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.

Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.

Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?

Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.

Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

*7yo plucks a sesame seed off his hamburger bun.*

7yo: If I plant this, will it grow a burger?

When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

do you think my neighbors will mind if i make their outside xmas decorations look better

*jesus walking on water*

Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!

“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film

baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy