One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use