One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
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[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)