One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
3: I wuv you Mommy.
Me: I love you too!
3: Don’t talk to me.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
