One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
okay run it by me one more time
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
