one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
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How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I’m aging like a fine banana
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.