Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’

wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake

Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.

Me: who are you writing about?

Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.

Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.

Daughter: seriously?

Me:

Daughter:

Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…

THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ

me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one

clerk: do you have a baby

me: would you accept cash instead

Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”

Me: Sees Video

Me: Checks Internet

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.

THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?

ME: Love.

T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?

M: Also love.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?