one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
Shortcut
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Why is every bar trivia host hell bent on asking questions that I can’t the answer? Like I literally know the answers to sooo many questions and I could prove it if only they gave me a goddamn chance
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices