One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often