Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.

Squirrel: ours never stop growing

Walrus: and growing

Rat: and growing

Elephant: and growing

Groundhog: and growing

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂

My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

The First Farmer

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine

i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.

[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.

COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.

Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.

Him: What are you doing?

Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.

Him: Do you need help?

Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.

Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?

Me: Soooo doomed.

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.

Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

My Guy

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

why no one uses midhusbands

Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.

Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.