One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
What the dentist sees
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”