Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.