One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
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Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.