One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
