One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
