Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?

me : …so I can pay my electricity bills

[First prison riot]

Me: *guarding my toilet wine*

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.

me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.

sister-in-law: hey guys.

me: [screams and passes out]

“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”

My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”

Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”

It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar

I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?

Mmmmm white people

– sharks

kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test

Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

Almost just got hit by an ambulance, which would have been handy I guess.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi

just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

[god creating kangaroos]

Let’s make a horse rabbit.

“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

well this is just bullshirt

I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.

I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it

Checkmate Jesus.