“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
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My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Orange is oranging 🟠
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Need WebMD
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.