“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
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A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
What do you call a place where you can purchase bootleg horror movies?
A spook-easy.
#dadjokes
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
hardest line in real life
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.