Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We got our carpet cleaned today, so I’m just waiting for the dog to throw up

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

Every work call, he judges.

Me: These books are half price.

Wife: Yeah.

Me: So I can save money.

Wife: Uh huh.

Me: By buying ten times as many.

Wife: NO.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…

(Inventing bathroom stalls)

Guy: should the door touch the ground

Other guy: how would we see their shoes?

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

*first date*

Him: You’re very interesting.

Me: Thank you.

Him: And fun to be around.

Me: That’s nice, thanks.

Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.

Me:

Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.

Me: Check please!

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

Shaking random people on the street shouting ARE YOU THE SHY SISTER is the 2024 cinderella

I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.

[50 YEARS FROM NOW]

Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.

INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?

ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.

Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.

Me: *half an hour later*

No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.

~ whiskey

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.

A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”