One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Saturday
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
me watching my own Instagram story
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.