One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Limited budget
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.