One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
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“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
The point of your 20s
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?