Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait

911: *sigh* did he have –

Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again

Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.

Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you

Cats: no it’s murder

*Ghost Jail

Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice

friend: why do u look sad

me: I have wrongdog

friend: what’s wrongdog

me: *big breath in*

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

BETRAYAL

I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.

[Planning Rustic Vacation]

Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?

Her: What’s the difference?

M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.

H: I meant in price.

My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024

10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.

I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares

Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.

[45 minutes later]

*gallops up to window on stick horse*

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting

As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.