Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whatcha thinkin bout

Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?

Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.

Tween: Nevermind.

M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon

Waiter:

H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.

Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash

me: oh no

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot:

me:

hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute

Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

Me: *drops mic*

Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!

there is asparagus
in my hairagus

and I don’t

caragus

Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead