One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
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I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.