One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
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Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
notice
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
necessity is the mother of invention
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”