One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
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At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no