one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
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*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Hey boy are you my washing machine? Because neither of you know how long 15 minutes last.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
✌🏽
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.