Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife

My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?

I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

every college guy’s fridge

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*

HR: We need to talk about your attire.

Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.