One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
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HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I suck at flirting I’ll be like “is that so?”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.