One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
You Might Also Like
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen