Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.

Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

son: what’s that one?

me: the orion constellation

son: and that one?

me: that’s the big dipper

son: and what’s that?

me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha

Me: I only use one side of my brain.

Them: Which side?

Me: The bad one.

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now

me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy

husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-

me:

husband: I’ll go get more batteries

I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit

Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!