one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
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Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
set yourself free xox
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.