Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[3am]

Me:

My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.

Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.

model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”

me:

model UN: also you can only be countries that exist

me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN

When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

“The weatherman isn’t real!”

-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character

Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

Huh, this is a first

Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before

They must know

WILLY WONKA: I’m thinking about succession planning. I can’t run this factory forever

LAWYER: Good! What do you have in mind?

WILLY WONKA: A sweepstakes

LAWYER:

WILLY WONKA: We’ll bring in 5 random children and absolutely traumatize the unworthy

LAWYER: …I have concerns

Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.