Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[talking to a frat bro]

Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.

Frankenstein?

every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.

Women because they’re embarrassed

Men because they’ll start laughing

I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person

(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach

How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart

*professor x starts laughing from the other room*

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

[Contract Law]

BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract

ME: so there’s strings attached?

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess

Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad

Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever