one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
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do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake