one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
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purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
just go to Settings → Privacy → Data → Do NOT Grind My Bones To Make Your Bread
make sure its switched to “on”
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Them: just trust your gut
Me: the one full of chocolate and coffee?
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?