one thing about September, everyday is about 5 peopleās birthday šš
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10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids wonāt know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, youāve clearly never lost close to 500 GBās worth of data on your hard drive.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. IāM NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
Boss: Since itās a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. Thatās a fence.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous ownerās live laugh love decals
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonightās dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
The part I donāt like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries donāt get solved.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I canāt fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees youāre continuing to send tweets.
Boss: ok youāve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Iāve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I wrote āWILL YOU MARRY ME?ā on a balloon. However, before I could proposeā¦
-I popped the question
I havenāt filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still donāt think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs donāt capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes itās ok to just say ānothingā.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My friend says to me, āWhat rhymes with orange?ā
And I told him, āNo, it doesnāt.ā
me: my parents arenāt home
911: we canāt help you with your capri sun straw