one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
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A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Good morning ☺️
