Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

ME: [bird watching]

PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

My heart hurts when you’re not around

*buuurrrrpp*

Never mind

Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.

Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

WORST THINGS ABOUT NOT BEING A DENTIST

4. Nobody asks me for my opinion about teeth
3. No idea where to buy a denist’s chair if I ever need one
2. Am not treated as an equal in the dentist community
1. Constantly being overlooked for the prestigious Dentist of the Year Award

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display