one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
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me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
A male goth is called a broth.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
I’m giving up for Lent.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.