One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
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Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
me watching my own Instagram story
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.