Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.

[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*

Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.

Him: That was one time.

daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft

I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

[teaching my boyfriend cards]

ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse

HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question