one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
i was baptized in a car wash
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
multitasking lunch
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money