One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
when unicorns get really drunk
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Doormats are a gateway rug.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma