One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I’ve reached the part of my summer where I’m excited that I’ll soon be able to stop checking my kids’s heads for ticks and go back to just checking for lice
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
Investing in beetcoin
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.