One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
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Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
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Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
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I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Spotted in New Orleans.
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my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.