One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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Eat…
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Hit me in the face with a bird
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
That earthquake could have been an email.
smartest karate player in the world
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen