One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
