One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
“our sushi is very fresh”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Wait a second…
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Very good! 👍😂
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
