One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
scares
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
