One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
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Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
what does he know…
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Squirrels before girls.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
No.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
the simulation is moving too fast