One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
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going to the ER y’all need anything
emergency phone
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
another case of gang violins
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?