One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
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I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
File under excellent bookstore names.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.