Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.

We told you to stop at 2012

– the mayans

(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*

Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.

Me: But-

Wife: Everyone.

Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*

My work here is don’t.

When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.

> takes cat to the vet
> vet is also a cat

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….