Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?

I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.

Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”

Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

[Voter registration]

Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals

Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

[getting arrested for public nudity]

Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD

Me: …

Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD

If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too

[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Today I quit drinking wine for good.

Now I only drink for evil.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

I punched my monitor

Now my hand Hz.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.