one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
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What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
*pronounces surface like Versace*
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal