one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
Frankenstein?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
