one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Mean Girls if they were all 12th century blacksmiths.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
