one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
lmaaaaaooooooooo
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
selfie game
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My kids and I both think of Martha Stewart as “the brownies lady” but for very different reasons
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
Beautiful woman who approaches my friend: Hey! You’re the father of one of my kids
Friend: Listen I got a good life, we both agreed it was a one time thin-
Woman: I’m his English teacher
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
quarantine day 3
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
