one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
What?!?
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long