one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
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. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.