one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
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Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Eating for two.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.