One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
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[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
I think this should do it.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Boy never ceases to amaze me
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old