Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.

2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.

I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.

I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.

So they hid my phone charger.

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.

If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.

A level of petty I can get with 🤣

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

To the guy who invented zero, thanks for nothing

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.

Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

Food bloggers be like, “This is one of my go-to recipes but first here’s a Tolstoyesque tale about my grandmother, her friend Birdie, and the baking competition that threatened to tear apart a town before uniting it.”

(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):

what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money

Me: I need to see a supervisor

Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am

Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter