One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
You Might Also Like
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet